


Reflections on Before

by MaironMichaelis



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: AKA I couldn´t hurt him, Gen, Happy Ending, Kinda sorta OOC, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-27 15:07:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19015366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaironMichaelis/pseuds/MaironMichaelis
Summary: "Despair is when you are on the verge of getting insane because of your own maddening thoughts not as slowly as you think."Mairon finds himself thinking of everything that happened.Reflections always brings sorrow, sadness, but also the memory of good times.Especially when you reflect on your past.





	Reflections on Before

Mairon's POV

"Despair is when you are on the verge of getting insane because of your own maddening thoughts not as slowly as you think."  
I was so excruciatingly right when I wrote that.  
And you know what?  
I've never been so close to the epitome of despair before.

Before what you must wonder?  
Well,  
Everything.

Before I started admiring Melkor, who seemed so great, so strong, so capable.  
Who, in reality was nothing but a monster.  
I was so reluctant in the beginning. I didn't want I work under him, but he was so....  
Captivating.  
No.  
Charming?  
Also no.  
Regardless of the fact that it might sound weird he was... Somewhat Seductive.  
After all, all of my evilness began at the moment that's called "The Seduction of Mairon".

Uhhhh, I really was a fool.

Then, I wasn't Mairon anymore.  
I became Sauron.  
How I despise that abhorrent name. The elves must think they were so intelligent when they came up with that.  
Like hell it would be true.  
A corruption of my greatness that's what it is.  
Of course I am to blame. But that doesn't I won't be annoyed by that name.  
When I was first called Sauron, I shook it off and thought about everything but that. I told myself that I had bigger problems.  
Now I have absolutely nothing so I can finally think about it.

That wasn't the only "before" I was talking about.

Before I stopped being beautiful is another one.  
Númenor was a gigantic island. When it sunk I lost the ability to shapeshift into beautiful forms like before.  
Before I corrupted the Númenoreans (the action that made the Valar destroy them), I was the most beautiful thing ever made by Eru.  
I could have whatever shape I desired. I was a shapeshifter, the greatest o them all.  
I usually had red long hair, very pale skin, thin lips, high cheekbones.  
Though my most distinguished feature were my eyes.  
Why?  
I have fire in my eyes.  
Yes, my eyes are still like that, they are the only thing about me that never changed.  
Not just literally, but metaphorically as well.  
Just imagine, coppery eyes, that make youu think of fire and gold when you see them.

And the psychological impact they have.  
People would be completely disarmed by the sight. It's like I could enter their minds and know their most secret truth with just a stare.  
Of course, I actually can do that.  
I'm a Maia, what else did thou expect?

Another very important "before" is before I betrayed the only one I cared about that much.  
That's right, it's time to talk about Tyelpe.  
Tyelpe was my other half. My best friend. The only one that understood me and my passions. Together we forged the rings of Power (9 for Men, 7 for Dwarves and 3 for the Elves). But then, I forged my precious.  
And everything changed. I couldn't be good to him, so I had to betray him.  
I also couldn't bring myself to torture him, so I killed him. I stabbed him. It was a fatal blow, he died instantly and didn't suffer.  
I couldn't let him alive. My subordinates would have destroyed him.  
Even his kind would want him dead for what he created.  
And for his relationship with me.

I still remember our last conversation.

"Do you hate me?"- I asked.  
"You fool. You know I could never hate you, my precious".- He said.  
"We can't see each other anymore."  
"Of course we can. We can still fix this".  
"We?"- I was unsure. Why was he being so kind?  
"Yes. By thy name Annatar. No, Mairon. I swear that I will always be by your side. I love you. "-He smiled.  
So did I.  
Then I did it.  
He was so bright, yet so naïve. We could have never fixed it. The problem weren't the Elves. The Valar on the other hand...  
I had already messed up and turned down Eonwë's offer of redemption. Yet another thing I regret.

 

Now, last but not the least:  
Before I fell.  
This means the whole entire third age and the end of the second one.  
I lost the ring to Isildur. I never thought someone like him would ever cut my finger.  
I was a fool.  
Then that Halfling Frodo came abd ruined it all.  
He burnt my precious.  
The only recordation I would ever have of Tyelpe.  
I was lost.  
That day I lost my physical form, my power, my precious One Ring and Tyelpe once again.  
But more importantly, I lost myself.  
Let me rephrase that: I realised that everything I did since I joined Melkor had no meaning. That I had lost myself the day I joined him. Yet I had only realised it when I had no chance of redemption.

If you ever wonder where I've been these last hundred years since my Fall, first I was near the ruins of Mordor, my dark domain.  
Then, Eonwë found me again.  
Except this time, he took me to Eru Iluvátar.  
Now, I serve Eru again.  
I actually had a chance of redemption after all.  
The Valar and Maiar are starting to forgive me. Yes, even Manwë.  
My former dark lord Morgoth (that name suits him, because he was really goth) is in the void where he belongs.  
Curumo (Saruman), Thuringwethil and the balrogs had also been given a second chance which they took. Now they work for Manwë and protect Middle Earth from all forms of evil (orcs, some humans, you see the kind of being that could be included in this list).  
In all honesty I felt especially glad to know that Curumo is back where he belongs, he was like a brother to me and I failed him (I corrupted him). Happily, we are at peace with each other again).  
And of course, I also got to see my dear Tyelpe again (well, his ghost). We've been talking frequently which is great.  
Who knew the Afterlife was this good?

Well this is all I have to say.  
I failed a lot and lost plenty.  
But I also gained knowledge and wisdom from it all.

Thou must know only one more thing:  
Regardless of the fact that I will never fall back into my mistakes,  
I am still the same Fool I was back in Almaren.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> I hope that you liked this oneshot.  
> It´s quite OOC, though that´s on purpose.  
> Constructive criticism is always welcome.


End file.
